Ace

Joy Sucking

The past two weeks have not been good, this week has been worse for my schedule. I've been working on my Halloween costume and I have been skipping gym days to get it done. My work schedule is also nuts so I just feel all over the place. I took the advice I was given and found a therapist and saw her for the first time yesterday. I hope it works before I run out of money.

I'm not feeling any better, maybe just more numb. I keep trying to pin down what makes me upset and when I think I have it, it changes. Lately it's been work, and yes it is work most of the time, but specifically being shoved aside after working with a client for 4 years, being their client for almost two and it counts for nothing. I'm being dropped of the client like a dirty rotten sack of potatoes. I am not CC'ed on emails, I'm being looped out of coaching, it's like I don't even exist. It hurts.....it hurts a lot. I know it is a stupid work thing, but it was something I was proud of that made work worth while. Now it's gone. I'm back to sitting by myself with no one to talk to being used as a back up for other clients. There is no connection, no sense of pride, no one gives a shit. It's not fun and I am just trying to tell myself it'll be over soon, something better HAS to come along eventually right?

I hope therapy works, today she had me watch Brene Brown's talk about the Power of Vulnerability. I'm not sure I understood it, or believe it, but I guess that's why the good doc recommended that I watch it.

Well....only 11:43am it can only get better from here right?
Ace

Can this please be rock bottom?

So I started this blog as a tracking of my weight loss journey, and it has turned into an emotional outlet. That is probably not the best thing to post on the internet, it makes me look unstable and weak, but at least it makes me feel like someone listening.

Things have been tough. Work sucks, I've moved teams and work under a new manager. My work load is getting bigger and I'm having to go through a lot of change. I'm struggling with the change, I rebel against it and cry trying to work through the fear of change. So far, the world has not ended and I am still employed. I hate my job, but I realize that it's not these changes that made me hate the job, it has been a slow decline of self hatred. I feel under valued. I feel like I am worth more than 40k, I am worth more than being yelled at every day. I am worth more than being treated like shit by my manager.

I've already established that I hate the way I look because I am so overweight But the more time goes on the more I realize I hate my skin, my hair, my face, I hate the way I think, the way I talk the way I mope. I hate me. How do I stop this? How do I stop hating me?! HOW CAN I HATE ME I LIVE IN ME!!

I wish I had someone to tell all this to, instead of just a computer. That's not to say my friends don't care, I have amazing loving friends, but no one has the time to listen to my shit. No one has time to help me. Some of the few people I trust and turned to when I was at my lowest have chosen to ignore me. Sure they tell me that sucks, but that's it. Their problems are more important to them than me. And why shouldn't it be that way? Everyone has to worry about themselves and their own problems. But....I feel like I'm lost and alone. I don't have anyone special in my life and I feel like part of me is dying. I spend my days at work, my afternoons in the gym at my evenings at home. I never go out. I'm never invited out.


Can't someone tell me how to get out of this hole? How do I stitch up the hole in my heart? How do I cure the sickness in my soul? How do I love myself again?

I don't want to be alone any more...but I don't want to keep selling myself to people. I want to just be me and I want people to love me and not take advantage of me any more.
Ace

Depression is a bitch, part 2

I received some very good advice yesterday about depression. It's advice that I am going to hold onto and try to remember any time that I am feeling down. Letting go of things, and moving on is a struggle and each step is like moving through quick sand. But if life wasn't a struggle then it wouldn't be worth living. Good things will come of this struggle and if I can't believe in that then I really don't think I cold take that first step forward.

In the past I've made grandiose promises to myself and maybe that's one of the reasons I fall into these traps, they are promises I cannot keep and when I fail I come down on myself so hard I am in emotional pain for weeks. So I won't be making any sweeping promises, but I will say this. I won't give up. I won't ever give up and I won't ever give in. I will allow myself to stumble and fall, but I will get back up. I will let myself cry, but then I will clean up my face and find a smile. I will forgive those that have wronged me, but I will not let them pin me down. I will try my hardest to let go of things that truly have no impact on my life.

It seems like a lot, but what I'm trying to say deep down is I won't forget what it means to be happy.

I want to achieve things in my life and I want to conquer this sadness. I'm not sure how I am going to do that, but I know first I am going to really push for the weight loss. It is truly that important to me.

So far, I went down to 237 then back up over the weekend because I can't control my eating habits. I wish I could just say no I'm full I don't need any more! Or I could just fill up on vegetables. I should try harder. The gym has become a haven for me. I am just practicing cardio, but at least I am moving. I occasionally find myself wishing I was one of those people that forgets to eat or can eat one meal a day and are complete satisfied and drop weight in a blink of an eye. I wish I was a person that cutting out soda or sweets or bread caused massive weight loss. And I really wish I had never let things get as bad as they are right now. But genies aren't real and wishing isn't going to do shit.

All I can do is move forward. Until next time....and thank you for listening.
Ace

Depression is a bitch

I have never been afraid to admit that I suffer from depression. Quiet the contrary I know that talking about it can often times lead to moments of clarity which will inevitably lead to healing and mental wellness. But sometimes I find talking to be hard and sometimes downright pointless. I know so many people who suffer from problems, depression, finances, alcoholism, stress in general, and I feel like I have no right to even mention that I am having a rotten day that every day I've had all month has been rotten. Other times I know if I even open my mouth my pleas for help will only be met with hostility or, worse, they will fall on deaf ears. Nothing is worse than tuning to a friend for help and being ignored. Therapy is the ideal option, but not one that is available to me because of my terrible medical insurance.

I've been in therapy before and from what I was told the depression I suffer from is situational and gets worse in times of inactivity. So basically, if I'm left to my own devices for to long and I'm having a crappy couple of days I am going to be very sad. And sure, we all get sad from time to time. But depression is different. It's not a sad that is fixed with food, or shopping, or seeing an old friend or even doing a favorite activity. It's a sad that tells you no one likes you, that people only want to use you and if you died no one would give a shit. It tells you how worthless you are and how pathetic your dreams and aspirations are. It talks you out of doing things or being around others out of fear of embarrassment. It makes you petty, mean, jealous and hateful. But most of all, it crushes the life out of you. You become hell bent on a schedule and any disruption to that schedule will not send you entire world into a emotional spiral of doom, but obliterate any tiny steps you took towards healing.

I've dealt with my issues fairly well on and off for the past several years primarily by avoiding situations that will cause the initial stresser and if I find myself in a situation like that I try my hardest to avoid inactivity. I will fill my days with meaningless activities just to avoid slipping into that deep dark hole. Lately my strategy hasn't been working. I find myself in to many situations of stress and sadness to avoid and it is becoming harder and hard to find things to fill the time with. I feel like I am always alone and when I am not alone I am around individuals who feed my sadness with their own. Over the past several weeks that hateful, petty person has taken over my mind and all I can think are negative awful thoughts about almost anyone I meet. I try and tell myself this isn't me! I don't think like this! I wouldn't wish any of these people ill....yet I hate them. I want nothing to do with them! I wish they would all just go away! None of them care about me, maybe I should just leave and never look back....then the saddness speaks up....but what difference would that make? You'd be even more alone and they wouldn't care. Can you really face the truth of no one missing you?

And so I curl up into my tiny ball grasping desperately at anything that resembles hope. I look to people I trust most for guidance and support. Lately I feel even more alone than ever before. So I turn to physical activity to provide some form of external release. The endorphin's released during my work outs give me temporary release from the crushing waves of saddness, but they never last long enough. Sleep use to be a wonderful medicine, but even that eludes me. The healthy appetite I use to have is lost and all I do is eat to fill the emptiness, I can hardly say that I enjoy it.

I wish I knew how to get out of this hole, maybe a new job? a new social life? a new place to live? I don't know. But something has to change because it's getting so hard to go on like this.

Oh....and I swear to god if I heard someone say "Well you're only like this because you want to be, you can make the change" I'm going to fucking punch them in the face.
Ace

240.2

For the rest of my life the number 240.2 will haunt me. I hate that number, I hate it! It is like a stalker that won't take a hint, that won't obey a restraining order or move on to another obsession.

What is 240.2? Well it's the weight I've been stuck at! Sure I'll go down 2, 3 and 4 pounds then the next day BACK UP to 240.2. I'm dying over here! Why won't this change?! I hate HATE HATE HATE this number.

Yeah I know, go to measurements, well guess what? THOSE DON'T CHANGE EITHER. This is why I throw in the towel so often. I never see change unless I'm on such an extreme diet I can barely function. I hate this and it's not fair. I know what a bratty thing that is, but damn it it isn't! I understand this is my fault, I'm the only one to blame here, I did this, I failed my body and its going to take years to fix...but can't I get a break? I'm not asking for much, 5lbs and I'd be happy.

I hate you 240.2....so much.
Ace

Back on the horse

The heat is such a killer! Last week I couldn't find the strength to care about working out or cooking. I only put on 1lb (YAY) but I need to get back in the swing of things. I've got my meals semi-planned out for the week and I plan on getting back to the gym tomorrow. It's still very hot out so sleep is almost impossible, but I'm going to try and work through it.

I can't imagine what these cycles of sloth and activity, diet and no diet do to my body. Is it in shock and just holing on to excess weight in fear I might do something else strange to it? Or is it immune to the changes I make? I definitely noticed a change when I stuck to my diet and work out plan for 7 straight days so maybe things are as impossible as I thought! I get back to my age old wish "I want more will power!"

I want the will to say no to the bad foods!
I want the will to eat my veggies and meat every night and never crave pizze, tacos and sweets!
I want the will to work out every day!
I want the will to turn off that TV show, forget my woes and go to bed on time!
I want the will to give up on this comfy job and find a better one that makes me happier!

But...I'm also scared and weak. I hate that feeling of weakness that I'm not good enough of missing some key ingredient that makes me fail where others succeed. Is this a feeling everyone has? Am I not alone? I'm sure I'm not, there are only so many emotions a human can feel. Everyone around seems to know their path, know their goal, and is making amazing strides to get there. I just feel left behind, floundering with the "what do you want to do with you life" question. I don't know! I have no idea! I don't even think I'm good at anything!! I feel stuck and lost all at the same time. Like I am wandering around, and around, and around in circles looking for the right exit and finding myself in even more unfamiliar territory.

I know this doesn't seem to have a lot to do with losing weight, but feeling helpless and without a goal in life certainly attributes to the weight gain. I eat when I am bored and I am bored because I am without a purpose. Seems like an easy fix right? Find a purpose, lose weight, be happy. But....it's not.

I don't know who I am or what to do, but I'm going to try and get back on the horse today. Here's hoping I really mean it this time.
Ace

Recovering..slowly

So last week was rough. I'm by no stretch of the imagination feeling like myself again, but the anger is starting to ebb and the pain is going numb. I over did it with the eating today I just didn't care. I wanted to feel full and now all I do is feel sick and guilty.

I am going to try and get to the gym again tomorrow, but laundry has built up and I really should get on that. To be honest I need a chance to heal and just get my head back on straight.

I wish I knew why I kept getting so sick, I'm sure it's just stress, but still I feel like I can't eat anything without getting bloated or worse.

Oh...and it is hot and I hate it.
Ace

Sad, Angry and Disheartened

In the past week and a half I've never felt so disheartened about weight loss. On Monday of last week my Mom drove through town on her way back to Arizona. I made us dinner (brussle sprouts, rice and chicken) while we were eating I lamented about feeling like no one wanted to be around me. My Mom, bless her heart, said "Well if you were skinny I know you'd be able to find a boyfriend". Really? REALLY?! Thanks Mom. I know she has the best intentions at heart, but I felt crushed. Someone who's opinion I have trusted for my whole life is telling me I'm not good enough because I'm over weight.

By Friday I felt like hell, not mentally but physically. The stomach flu/food poisoning was awful and kept me down and out for several days. I recovered by Monday and decided to try and get back on track. I went to the gym started My Fitness Pal tracking again. I've been able to get down to 239 a measly 1lb difference in several weeks. At least I'm out of the 240's? That made me feel a little better. So does going to the gym and trying to make a difference.

Today I decided to re-organize my wardrobe, vertically folding my clothes (AWESOME idea I highly recommend) and going through my closet to ditch anything I haven't worn in several months. I came across one of my most beloved costumes, a white rabbit outfit. I made it 5 years ago and It was everything I wanted in this outfit. I love it so so much. I tried the coat on...it doesn't fit. I started to sob. How could I have let myself get this bad? HOW?!
Ace

Monday!

Who needs numbers any how! So the weekend was not the best for eating. A tea party on Saturday was followed with napping and a night out dancing. I wish I could feel good about the exercise that dancing would give me, but I had two pretty heavy drinks and I know those are packed with sugar (not to mention they weren't even that great!)

Sunday was a 100% binge day. I treated myself to breakfast and made a really great dinner (not great healthy wise just tastey). Overall I probably over did my diet by 600cals on Sunday -guilty face-

I'm trying not to be ashamed of what I ate because food is part of life. I don't want to keep excusing my binging with "well sometimes you need to indulge" because that excuse is quickly wearing out it's welcome. I'm going to do my absolute best to stick to my diet 100% this week that means the weekend too! The weekends are always hardest for me because I have no schedule. At work I know I get up at 445am I get to work by 545 I eat at 6, 1015, 1, 3 and 5ish. I am totally scheduled around my work day and what I do during the week. But the weekends are freedom! I wake up when I want, do what I want and eat when I want....which spells out doom for my diet. I wish I could figure out how to keep my self scheduled for eating on the weekend.

Maybe package up the weekend meals neatly so that way when I go to grab noms I know exactly what I'm getting. But then how to fill the down time? Boredom is my greatest weakness. I eat when I am bored, not sad or stressed, BORED. I'm going to try and fill my life with projects, but I need social interaction and activities. Maybe more SCA events and outings with friends will help resolve the boredom.

Mom is in town tonight so dinner will be great! She is always a healthy cook and I'm never worried to dig right into what she makes. I think tonight I'll surprise her and let her cook everything on her own.

Wish me luck this week!
Ace

Day 2

Okay so yesterday was great until I got home and found chocolate at home. I did hit the gym so that helped absorb the impact of my 425cal binge and I had an amazingly healthy dinner (Rice with shiitake mushrooms & seaweed, black cod an Brussels sprouts). I'm going to revel in the healthy behaviors I did accomplish and take steps to remove the temptation. Last week a friend took two cheap shots at me that really hurt my feelings. First she said that all I do is exaggerate (because when I'm sick I say I have the plague...um.....that's of phrase) and then said all I do is complain. So took all that chocolate and threw it on this bitchy co-workers desk. I know I know, giving chocolate sounds like a nice thing right? WRONG! Said coworker has no sense of control and she can take those extra calories and keep them!

Today I'm spending the extra money to get my hair fixed so it makes me happy and tomorrow again with the money and fixing my back so I'm not in so much pain all the time. I know that I said saving money was going to be a big part of the next six months, but sometimes you just need to give back to yourself. I'll skimp in other places and make up for the extra cash going out. I think I'm worth spending extra money on, I have my whole life to save up.

Since I have two things planned for today and tomorrow's afternoons the gym will not be happening, but I think I'll stroll around the block after dinner just to keep in the spirit of healthy living.

As a side note on my own mental health, things are rocky but getting slowly better. I still am having trouble dealing with people and their problems. I know this sounds terrible, but I don't care. I want to care about myself and be completely selfish. I understand that so many of my friend suffer massive issues (insecurity, depression, anxiety, narcissism etc) but I don't have the capacity to be a caregiver right now. I know that the friends that I care most about will give me the space I need and those that don't well, they aren't really a friend. I've always been honest about my inability give good advice. Maybe this makes me a bad person because I just don't give a crap. Sure I worry about my friends and sure I want people to comfort me when I'm sad, but the advice I get is "fuck 'em" or "you're over reacting" so why should I give back anything differently?

I think this self attitude is just a side effect of being around people are constantly going through emotional strife. I just want to be in a happy healthy environment where people are happy and not constantly bickering. I guess health is something that isn't just limited to the body.